Friday, March 6, 2009

Vietnam Ate My Sewing Machine.

Its a friday.
I'm a teenager.
I've got cigarettes and a whole $39.45 in my wallet.

Someone please tell me why I'm not out and about, hitting the town somewhere, doing something wild and insane, having some crazy sex romp, shooting up in a dark and manky alleyway, snorting cocaine off of a hooker's arse or shaving someone's eyebrows and cutting half of their face away?
Someone please tell me why this is so?

instead, I'm at my laptop after exhausting all my efforts at tryign to find
1) my favourite My Little Pony tshirt.
2) my favourite high-waist skirt.
3) condoms.
4) my heater.
5) parts of my sewing machine.

As for my sewing machine, I've found one half of it. It was stashed under a gigantic crate of pigstye mess junk that mum and I have been hoarding since the turn of the century.
Only, it's missing the pedal.
I can't sew a damn thing without the pedal.
I started handsewing stuff last night, and I got half way through and then realised it's just not going to look as professional handstitched as what it would if I had the godforesaken motherfucking pedal.

In other news, My mum and her cousin (more commonly known to all of my drop-ins as Uncle) are turning into health freaks. Today, I caught them burning their cigarettes.
Not smoking, burning.
I watched in cold horror as they poured petrol over their cigarettes (just to really make sure they couldn't salvage a fucking thing) and put a match to them. In the process, they just about burnt down my backyard. The tree caught fire; I thought that it would be another Black Saturday repeat in my very own backyard.
Don't be fooled; Their tyrade does not end there.
A week ago, Uncle disposed of our chocolate stash, reserved only for when the 3-am-munchies attack with vengance. He threw out the ice creams, the ice magic, the blocks of homebrand cooking chocolate and left only the milo.
What the fuck am I meant to do with Milo?@!
"Oh, shit - I'm so down for chocolate. Gee, none of that in the cupboards. I think I might just go and eat some milo. Mmmm delicious Milo, wow my mouth feels really dry, better wash it down with some milk!"

Mum's stocked my fridge - yes my fridge (we have two) - full of fruits.
Fruits are not, in any way, shape or form, going to help my munchies in the middle of the night. One minute, I'm going to be chowing down on a pear. The next, wake up glued to my pillow by fruit juices, with brown pear smooshed on the side of my face and the core lodged in my ear.
Awesome fun.
Can't wait for that, because I just love having pear all over me. I love it so much, when I bathe, I bathe in fruits. I put them in a big, huge blender and munch that shit up until its watery like, well, water, and then wash myself down in it.

She tried to buy some ultra-expensive cholesterol-free yellow shit in a tub, claiming to be some kind of substance akin to butter.
If its not from a cow, its not butter.
If its not in a blue container, with a cartoon cow on the front frollicking freely in a field of daisies, it's DEFINATELY not butter, let alone Devondale.
Devondale might as well be my God. It goes on everything; in my potatoes, with my toast, with my saladas, with my chicken - even when I cook something, I use butter instead of oil.
Unless cooking for Kaisha, because she's vegan.