Monday, January 18, 2010


I got so excited about moving; I've lived in 18 different houses since my birth. By now, it should be second nature. Or so one would suppose.

I spent so much time hating Geelong, that I forgot about how much I loved the People I'd come to call my friends.
I made life friends there; in a hellhole that loved nothing more than to hurl the odd nervous breakdown, fight, or narcissistic excuses for men in my general direction.
I made friends that I want to have for years to come; people who I can laugh and cry with - girls I can gossip and indulge with; boys I can talk about poo and disgusting things, and rock out with our cocks out.

I used to get kicks out of uprooting myself to see what unruly adventure would come about. The difference now, is that I made bonds with people in Geelong; and I'm sitting here, pushing them away.
Because I made myslef lonely - I could go to Geelong, I could be there every weekend if I didn't spend my money, or didn't go and try to save for a zillion things all a once; try to keep mum well and dad under control. Suddenly, i'm living in the longterm. I've never lived in the longterm.

I'm scared to go back to Geelong. I've left my visits I so soundly promised everyone, I've lost a lot of contact, because I've been too chickenshit to admit I might miss the place and the endeavours.
I'm scared that my friends might not want me, or welcome me with open arms like I would welcome them.

I treated people without the slightest care in the world; namely those I loved the most - the ones who were always there to pick up the slack and help me out.

I miss the girls - Jo, Chan, Sarah; I miss equine and making funny quips about Longer's sarcasm. I miss hanging out at Ward Manor, or riding on the beach or on the fat ponies with Jo.

I miss Kay, my little fish. I miss our crushes on Hearnalicious and the Walshingmachine. I miss eating vegan food and watching boosh and bating over Dita; I miss Shazcookie and her chic-chip cookies and awesome bod.

I miss Anishka, smoking joints with her in her bathroom and eating copious amounts of junk food; I miss that girls golden smile.

I miss Baby and his hair, his rank farts, ridiculous jokes and similar complaints about people.
I miss Andy, and how he just put up with whatever missile - verbal or otherwise - I had to throw at him.
I miss James and Sophia. I miss mothering the shit out of James and bringing him left-overs so he had lunch, or listening to his latest self-dare he'd made up whilst tripping on wicked acid. I miss soph, and having someone who wanted Nick Cave as much as I did.

I miss Buttons. There's some nights where I sort of hope he just might show up here and we'll go for coffee or we'll smoke too many cigarettes, and I'll nod off whilst he reads me stuff from metal magazines of bands I know nothing about. He always made such an effort to keep me happy or be there in those dire moments when I was totally neurotic or stranded somewhere. But he never let me cook for him. Never stayed for dinner. He never asked a single thing of me; not once.
I always took him for granted.

Come to think of it, I took everyone for granted. I taught myself my own lesson; turns out all those exboyfriends were 100% correct when they told me I was a self-consumed cunt.

I lost too much in 2009.

I miss my friends; the life and times.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Cry Junkie

Call the chivalry, I feel another self-hating, hormone-fuelled blog coming on.

Fucking yeeha, hold on to your hats, guys and dolls, for another thrilling drawl about...

Absolutely nothing important at all.

I finally realized how much of a terrible person I am. Hooray for self insight; thanks a lot, reality!

I much prefered being oblivious.

Time to practice what I preach with all this deep, heavy "You make the choices!" and "learn your life lessons" bullshit I've been ramming at people like an angry erection.
I am not Dr Phil; I am not a middle aged, balding Texan. Half the time, I don't even know what I'm on about.

I'm the one to blame; I made myself lonely.