Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What I Think Boys Use To Make Themselves Look Cool.

I have many years of observing the opposite sex. The knowledge from observation has grown since I was five, when I thought Dinosaurs would make one one of the cool kids, and I'd be totally in with the boys.
Sure, they guys thought I was pretty cool because I had every Dinosaur toy known to man (except for the Godzilla robot: man, I wanted that), but knowing too much about that scared them off.
Since then, I have spent my time observing various social groups of the male race, and have formed this list on what Boys Think Make Them Look Cool.

1) Tattoos.

I bet this guy got dumped by his girlfriend in highschool...

Tattoos give everyone the power to make themselves feel like a badass - boys get them to showe them off; girls date the boys to parade off how much of a "bad boy" shes fucking.
This fails when your boyfriend looks like the walking dead, a over-muscled-gym-juice-junkie with his prissy little Chinese symbols for "peace, love and unity" inked on his spine, or when he just gets STUPID tattooed on his forehead for fun.

I prefer sleeves on guys, if they've got tatts. There is also this huge "misconception" (thanks, mum, for your undeniably stupid concept) that girls aren't attracted to tatts: on behalf of the female population, I'd like to debate this rumor, or jsut blatantly say is complete bullshit.
I'm trying to find a minority that doesn't like boys with awesome tatts.
Seriously, every girl has fantasiced about that sexy, tattooed guy that just brushed past her.
I wonder if he's really...
Do you think he'll ever want to do...
Oh man, jump me right now...

The only issue I have with tattoos, is stupid fucking japanese ones, along with portrait tatts - its a nice thought, but I'm yet to see a nice one. And ridiculous, badly thought ones ones in general.
Particulary ones on the face. I've seen one person pull face tatts off, and thats Kat Von D.

Here are some tattoo fails.

This just blankpoint scares me.

I just feel sorry for this guy.

2) Leather Jackets vs. Suit Jackets.

Mystery Jets Vs. Vains of Jenna.
Fuck it, I'd do them all.

I prefer leather jackets, but its an aquired look. If a football jock tried to make leather jackets happen, I'd find myself hitting him up for slander.
Suit jackets can cause some girls to prematurely guess how sophisticated and intelligent her newly-spotted catch really is. See, boys are becoming smarter.
Evolution is kicking in, you dig?
They have started to pick up on the super-sonic waves from our brains, and started to sit up and realise what threads make us want to jump them like a wildebeast.
Suit jackets don't do it for me so much; ties on the other hand, get me thinking.
But leather jackets?
Oh baby.

3) Facial Hair.

This guy fell asleep on his back lawn.
Due to being a low-down, good-for-nothing, lazy hippy, he neglected to mow the grass. His wife did it for him.
This is the result of a very fortunate run-in with his wife and her lawnmower. And he still looks smug.

Someone please give Ludacris the memo: spraying your hair on is just not the style no more, dawg.

A subject debated by all women kind.
"Your beard is itchy!"
"But I like the filthy look!"
"Oh, baby, I can taste my pussy on you. Go wash your face."
I'm guessing that would be one advantage of having facial hair: if your boyfriend was tongueing someone else's twat, you'd certainly be able to smell it.

Facial hair is nice, in moderation. I'm not down for the hairy-dog look. Stubble gets me going.
Mutton chops and mostaches, not so.

4) Band Shirts.

these kids got fined for wearing their "Jesus is a Cunt" tees.
I lolled.

Band tees can tell you a lot about a person.
This Cradle of Filth tee tells me that this couple are angsty, pushed-aside-by-the-world, depressed teenagers. And that their Daddy's hate them.
When I see someone wearing a Madonna shirt, I wonder whether or not he has really been touched like a virgin.

I prefer someone, that when I say "Hey, I've heard of that band!" to give me a five minute run down of their favourite tracks, the "best EP the ever released!" and which band member they love the most.
Not, "Oh, dude, this band is rad."
And leave it at that.

5) Piercings.

this is photographic evidence of this guy's attempt to be "badass."
He didn't realise his epic fail.

lipstick for men; check
blue cashemre sweater in ladies size; check
pensive, deep, thoughtful doe-eyes; check
clean shaven; check
totally perfect salon-styled hair; check, check
terribly designed sleeve tattoo; check

perfectly shaped and plucked eyebrows; check, check, check, check.

Piercings can be good, some can be bad.
I've never been a big fan of lip or septum piercings. The photograph of said Princess
above is cold, hard proof that piercings are not for everybody.
Sometimes, they just make you look like even more of a fag.

Or winner of this months weirdo trophy. See Right.

6) Hairstyles.

Raffel just hung his head out the window for too long, sending his brain careering from his ear in the process,
note the brain-dead stare and hawwian tshirt.

This is Ash, demonstrating how to still look manly and attractive with a floral doona cover.
He also gives everybody a good view at sex/bedhead should look like.

This is a subject, sometimes better off left to the women to decide on.
David Beckham says it all.

I'm sure he endorses the "Hey guys, lets all look like *S.N.A.G's TOGETHER!"
(*snag = sensitive new age guy.)
I like the "I jsut had the most incredible sex of my life" hair, or just the classic Bedhead.
I refuse to date a man, or be around one for that matter, who spends more time in front of the mirror than I do.

7) Coloured Shirts. Mostly Pink Ones.

Enough said.

8) Flannel Shirts.

Ben Kweller.

Flannel can look great, when worn the right way and on the right person. However, its become over popularised and often the subject of heated discussion between country boys and the city kids. Country Boys, you stopped wearing flannel when people told you it was uncool - don't try to claim it back now that its a global fashion movement.
Its something I don't mind on a guy, as long its not worn day in, day out.

9) The I-Haven't-Showered-In-Two-Weeks-Look vs. I'm-Channeling-Californian-Musicians-Circa-1960.

This guy just likes the scent of his own sweaty hair vs. The Killer's Sophisticated I-Like-Beards look.

Not washing in a week is fucking disgusting.
Trying to make beards look hot isn't really going to happen for you.
But hey, if you can sell it to a broad-spectrum audience, still make money and score girls why the fuck not?
I love The Killers. But Brandon Flower's 'stache is negotiable.

10) Sleaze.

Boys who think sleaziness is a sure-fire way to turn girls on, can dream on.
Making sleazy remarks about the "roundness of your tits" or how well I could "take a dick" doesn't make me think Wow, what a lovely guy - mum would love him!
It seems to often be an Italian or metro thing: the sad relisation here is that both are coming into each others categories.

The end.
This may be updated sometime in the future. But this is just my top ten.


Kaysicles said...

this made me lol for an extended period of time.
and shall continue to.
you are genius, amy.