Sunday, March 15, 2009

What Guys Thing Chicks Dig pt 2: Genital Mutilation & Tricks.

My friend Tami brought this point to my attention, as she is one of my avid readers and, well, loves me.
I'm sitting down, having a strong coffee and a cigarette, just relaxing and chilling down, as I do. Tami signs on, and gives me the link to this video, and I'm expecting it to be some crazy porn movie where the guy takes a dump in his girlfriend's mum's mouth and then eats it for her, or some elderly fat guy with a massive penis, dancing around to a BeeGee's song.
Much to my disgust, I found the video in said link, and found myself almost vomming my insides all over my floor - and I'd only watched the first thirteen seconds.

Ok guys, awesome, so you can hack a diamond pattern into your foreskin, piss rainbows, put a safety pin through your gouche with a smile - great.
But, unless you like FreakGirls, you can kiss your sex life goodbye - completely.
Just imagine this situation, you as Mary.

Mary meets a lovely man in a bar, late on a Thursday night. They talk until the Publican tells them that its time to leave because she really wants to get the fuck out of there, take off her heels, wipe off the booze and slobber from the drunks all night long.
mary, not having a good lay from any other boozed-and-confused (and little does she know, this guy is very confused - especially about his genetalia and the thigns he can do with it), decides it will be a spledid idea to agree to Brian paying for a taxi and taking her back to his house for a night of randy fun.
Things are looking up for Mary and Brian in the taxi.
upon entery to Brian's hosue, Mary looks for ther sure-fire reasons to bail: there's no racing car bed, she thinks, no porno posters, or dirty kitchen. Wow, i might come back here again.
Brian cracks some jokes, Mary giggles, makes herself comfortable on his couch. Brian tells her to wait a moment, and disappears into the bathroom. She guesses he's finding condoms or something.
Brian comes out, stark naked and fully erect, and stands in front of her, with a handful of razor blades and a knitting needle.
Mary freaks.
Brian then preceeds to slice his foreskin into several differnt pieces, and gives Mary a play-by-play on how to insert a knitting needle from his gouche, through his scrotum and under one of the several holes he just hacked into his foreskin, to further make his dick harder.

Mary bails like a motherfucker, Brian is left sexless and bleeding near his couch, wondering why she just ran out of his house, screaming and crying.

People who do such things, obviously have a blind and ludacris wife, or no sex at all, let alone feeling in their penis.

And then, we come to dick tricks.

I have first hand witness dick tricks, and yes, they're funny ... for the first five minutes.
Then, you start to feel guilty about looking at your boyfriend's best friend's cock, whilst he bends it into the shape of a fucking pretzel, is pressing it up against a window, or brandashing his scrote around in the wind like it was some kind of toy.
Cool, most guys can make their dicks twitch, thats nothing new.
I had one guy, post-coital, roll onto his back and turn around to me and say "Hey, Amy, I'm waving."
No "jesus, that was great!"
No, no, it was "that was awesome, my dicks waving to you to show your vag how awesome that was!"
Superwickedawesomecool, your dick can dance.

Girls don't think dick tricks are cool, they think theyre kinda funny for the first twenty seconds, then we all sit down and think "I wonder if that's why his dick bends to the left?" or "That completely explains his odd love for karma sutra."
He just loves dick acrobatics! Awesome!

See guys, girls can do vagina tricks too. but when we say that, you guys get your jocks all in a knot, and get all grossed out, because we can queef on command, shoot pingpong balls from our vaginas, fake an orgasm by tightening our muscles in our pelvis, and stash things up there.
And lets face it, clit piercings just aren't that cute. They make a box look like it was part of a thigh once, and God got angry and took to it with an axe, then felt guilty about doing that, and gave it a ring to try and say sorry.

Can we just stop the genital mutilation, please?
Can't we just be awesome with what we've got downstairs and live without the checkerboard foreskins and diamonte vaginas?

Please, and Thank You.


Kaysicles said...

ping pong balls ftw.