Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bang, Bang - You're Dead.


I haven't slept in two days and too many fucking hours and minutes and I've lost count of the seconds ticking by because I have no true sense of time and its importance at all.
I've sat in bed and I've closed my fucking eyes, but nothing.
And by 7.30am this morning, I had come to the conclusion that today, was single-handedly, the absolute worst day I'd ever had.

Sleep and Food are right up there with sex, cigarettes and Jameson's Irish Whiskey on my prioty list.
I can sleep for days when the whim takes me - I could sleep through a nuclear war -but when it doesn't, its like being gnawed at my some fucking harpy, for anywhere up to four or more days, where if I'm lucky, I'll hit up one, maybe two hours of a nap until the slightest fucking thing sets off that nasty, teeth-gnashing inner bitch and I'll tear your fucking head off because of it.

So let me tell you all about my fucker of 48 hours.

Last night, Dad stayed around and he brought The Pup, a sweet faced, bright blue eyed little thing who doesn't have an off-button, which was really cute until 3something a.m this morning, when he was still trying to eat my toes, and I had a cat in one ear, trying to fucking eat him and then he'd squeal and eat my toes some more.
So I stayed awake, listened to The Libertines and Dad took me for a McDonalds breakfast, at 4.30, because I was really fucking hungry and akin to a fucking grizzly bear or something, and I just wanted to eat bacon.

So we ate McDonalds and that was fine, until ten minuets later when the grease and fake egg or whatever that shit is inside those Bacon and Egg fucking McMuffins, curdled in my guts and I hit the Ladies Room with a spewy, bilious vengence.

In the new car, and we're driving and I'm pretty sure I want to die, and by the time we get to the knackery, its a bit past 5am and, yeah, a coma might be nice right about now.
As i'm getting out, dad tells me that Fat Lola's getting friendly with cows in a twenty acre paddock and it's pissing down with icy fucking needles and I really don't want to go catch this fucking horse, knowing full well she'll be a complete bitch about leaving her new found brainless friends.
So off I go, down this fucking hilly bitch of a mudhole, in the pissing rain, with a raw gut and my cigarette, is needless to say, completely fucked.
And the horse gives me the fucking run around for twenty minutes, and the cows got their good morning fucking giggles, those fat hairy bastards.
So the horse is off the handle because me, cold-heartless me, has taken her away from her big fat dumb friends (Remember when having a fat friend was trendy? Everyone had one) and I"m soaked to the bone, hoping I'll slip in the mud and drown and end up in a coma, just so I can have a really good sleep without some fucking thing waking me up.

So I'm in the office, ready to scan 30something cattle eartags for Dad, and the magic NLIS wand that's about the same length as one of my legs, doesn't want to work, so I go about doing it all manually, which is fine until I work out that I've fucked myself in the arse with the books and I'll have to spend the day re-doing the books from the middle of March.
In order to do that, I have to go to the bucket and chronologically re-order all of march's eartags - which are all fucked up in a bucket with tags back from middle-January or something - and write down twelve digit fucking numbers and annoying, tedious bullshit like that.
So I did that, and Dad made me a coffee, which was hugely appreciated, but a stiff drink might have gone down pretty sweet at the time, too.
by now, it was well into 6something-or-other, and I was still cold and wet and had no spare clothes to change into, and all of dad's were dirty, so I took on a whole new meaning to "chilling out" - I was chilling inside and fucking out.

Dad starts shouting and having a great old laugh, and i go out to check it out, as I always fucking do because I"m a nosey little fucker.
Pup's going to fucking down in the blood drain and oozey fucking green carcass juice that's come off the rotten-black cattle that dad picked up... whenever, I didn't care, he fucking stank.
My cute little pup looked like a fucking zombie, and I tell you, I was ready to put him in the Pet fucking Cemetary for it.
Into the shower room and soaped him up and he smelt like strawberries or some other fucking lame fruit, I don't know, i didn't care, it smelt better than fucking offal.
So I got through bathing a dog and sorting March eartags and I'd started on April when Dad had left to go kill some stuff and I wanted to go and kill some stuff too, to be honest.
We're looking at somewhere closer to 7something, now.

Anyway, so I'm there alone and I just want to relax and he's left the keys in the ignition to the new car, and as every teenage daughter does, I took the new car for a joy ride, of which I planned to get really joyous doing so, hence the name from whence it came.

So I've packed Pup in the Passenger side with his new flash lead I got him the other day (it matches his totally pimpin' collar that one of the Chris's got him) and I've even got my thermos full of coffee, because I plan to be a while. Push in my favourite Queen mixed tape, because I love driving with Feddie Mercury or David Bowie on a rainy day.
I've got a cig and coffee, a cute pup seeing as I don't have a cute boyfriend (My dad thinks its a great alternative), a Queen mixed cassette and a new station wagon which isn't the trust red PanelVan that Dad wrecked, but thats ok, it runs sweet on gas and it has roof racks and foldable seats, so I'm set for this adeventure with my dog, even thoguht it'll probably fucking rain on me again, but honestly, I'm fucking cold and wet anyway so what's the fucking diff?

So Pup and I hit the road, for all of about fifteen minutes.
I wasn't even speeding - I think I managed 60 on a relitively straight spot, because I shit my pants whenever it's rainy, and on Dad's roads, with loose gravel (now sloppy mud that looks like it was a fuckign swamp) and curves like my fucking hips, pushing anywhere past 60 is dangerous fucking business.
I hit the corner a little faster than what I should have and the wheels slipped and I ran over soemthing fluffy and then something black smasked into my side window and whatever I ran over was big and it stank and I knew it was stuck to my car or something, so I hit the brakes and everything was fine, but Pup was going apeshit.
So I get out, and find i've got bits and pieces of a roadkill Wombat and Pup wants to fucking eat it; and I've got this disgusting flapping squarking crow.
I mean, crows NEVER get hit, but I - me - managed to fucking hit one.
Nevertheless, ruthless little old me, in my ruthless little old mood, kind of felt sorry for this stupid fucking crow, because I'm pretty sure he was hurt, and Pup just wanted to fucking eat it.
It was a smorgasboard for Pup - smelly dead roadkill (it might have well have been double-crumbed gormet snitzel, if you were to ask his opinion) and a blubbering black bird (of the variety that like to fight Pup for the scraps at the knackery door).
So I'm trying to help this bird and Pup comes over and the bird goes apeshit and the dog goes apeshit and I've well and truely cracked the shits with this bird.
I'm glad no one was around; I was off my chops at this blundering fucking bird and at the dog, in fucking gumboots twenty-sizes too big and ripped up jeans and a soppy fucking bum-jumper but I had bigger problems - I had half a wombat stuck to my new tyres.
So I'm pulled off to the side, hoping a truck isn't going to do what i did and hit the corner and clean me, my apeshit fucking puppy and my new wheels, right up and turn us into the Double-Crumbed decomposing Wombat Snitzel stuck to my tyres like putrid fucking bubblegum.
So here I am, scraping Wombat off my tyres with a stick, cursing that stinky bastard right to hell.
"You stupid fucking Wombat. You deserved to be fucking snitzel. Who the fuck do you think you are, sticking to my fucking BRAND NEW TYRES, YOU MANGY LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER!"

Back in the car and we're off again, this time, really fucking pissed off - I should have performed a perfect three-point turn, right over that motherfucking crow - but I'm jamming out to Bohemian Raphsody and a volley of other stuff, and its raining even more and I think, "Look, stop the car, turn around and go home before you drive off a bank or get stuck in a tar bog like those Mammoths on the discovery channel or something fucking horrific, because if you fuck this car, Dad will lynch you from the fucking closeline."
Yeah, Ok, Sweet Deal; I turn around and life's sweet, I'm out of coffee by now anyway.

My casette player goes into full-frontal cardiac fucking arrest and Freddie's getting gutted by the cassette player and Pup's apeshit again and oh my fucking god, I want to beat my head against the steering wheel until I hemorage and a whacko fucking dairy farmer will find me three days later, looking worse than what he does.
Anway, in the chaos of Freddie getting mauled by this pig of a fucking ancient cassette player and Pup doing his fucking narna about it all, having a swell old time, I've smacked the brakes on, the wheels went fucking sideways and I actually thought I was going to die, so I over-corrected and we skidded about on the grass and I gassed it too hard.
And by some fucking means, I'm fucking sideways, Pup's hit the fucking deck and I'm staring out the windscreen on a weird fucking angle that I've never seen before - not even when I've been booze-blasted into fucing oblivion - and I've been in some weird angles when I've rocketed into booze oblivion.
I'm fucking ropable by now, and I try to get out of the car and I'm fucking jammed in, I can't even get it open because, guess what, we're in a dirty old fucking ditch.
And get this: we're in a dirty fucking ditch, five fucking meters from my front gate.

So what does any woman, deprived of food or sleep or any general comforts such as warmth and dry clothes do?
She lights a cigarette.
And she goes.

I'm cussing this ditch to the shit, Pup's dazed and confused, probably concussed but he's a dog, it's not like I can ask him if he has an aneurysm or something and I kill the engine, just incase we fucking blow up or something like that, because it'd be my luck and Dad would not be very fucking impressed.
So here's me, in all my ingenuity, beating the steering wheel, sideways, and them I'm jumping - more like beaching - myself against the passenger side seat, trying to knock the car back down onto the gravel, because the wheels aren't actually touching the road - I thought one was, but no, not my fucking luck today.
So then, i freak out that if i keep beaching myself on the passenger side, I'm going to break the car in half or bend an axle or fuckign something like that that sounds expensive to fix, so I end up climbing over the backseat and bailing out through the hatch, which as far as style cred goes, it was the lowest move ever, whilst logically in my mind, it was the least dangerous and damaging thing to my life, but if I had fucked the car, I might have well scratched out my last will and testament in the paint job.
And I cut loose, unleashed fucking hell, on the front grid of the car. Kicking and fucking screaming, "FUCK THIS! FUCK YOU! FUCK THAT! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! I'VE FUCKED HIS CAR! I'M SO FUCKED! FUCK!"
In the tantrum, I've thrown my gumboots at the windscreen and I've ripped Pup out of the car and I'm storming up my fucking driveway, in the motherfucking rain and slushy mud, barefoot and wailing like some pent up three year old, "HE'S GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME! FUCK!"

So I rang my mum.
Having a complete, fully-fledged panic attack complete with self-asphyxiation and bawling fucking tears, wailing down the line at my poor mother telling her the whole story from start to finish, from the fucking foul McDonalds breakfast, right through to the Wombat lodged in my tyre tread, to Pup's possible fucking brain aneurysm and that my feet were all fucking cold and that, fuck me, I'd trompsed fucking mud right through his house because I'd thrown a whole-hearted tantrum at the car (including Gary's gumboots), and if he didn't kill me for putting the car in a ditch, he was going to really go fucking mad about having slooshy fucking gravelly mud through his fucking house.
My mum laughed so fucking hard.
And when Dad came home, he basically pissed his pants, he giggled so fucking hard.
And so did Lefty and Gary, and they all fucking leered about my complete over-fucking-reaction to a little ditch, and that all we'd have to do was bump it out with the truck.
And fuck me, I was so confused.
i was completely off my tits on confusion.

Thankfully, the car made it from the ditch, sans fiery inferno or broken whatsits that sound really fucking expensive to get repaired, with little more than a broken side-mirror.
Apparently, they cost around $20 to get replaced at SuperCheap Auto or some amazing bargain place like that.
And Pup doesn't have an aneurysm.
And I still havent slept, but I'm sitting in bed, retelling you this story, kind of dazed and spaced out of life completely; but Ive got a coffee and a cigarette and Carl Barat singing at me, so I can't be that dazed and spaced out.

...what the fuck happened today?