Thursday, June 17, 2010

Homeless People.

I try to avoid 'The Big Issue' magazines that everyone tries to flog me; they see me a mile away and think that I'll be an easy target.
I mean, I signed up to Greenpeace at one stage, because the Italian guy shouted me down in the main road of Morwell and everybody looked at the "Hey, Pretty lady! Pretty Lady! Yes You!" that he was screaming at (me).

It was a very romantic proposal, and I hope that one day, a real man that knows what a shaver is and does not campaign against Shampoo, will propose to me as romantic and chivalrously as he did.
Hopefully, without asking for my permission to Direct Debit $30.00 every month into the Greenpeace bank account.
Needless to say, the wedding was off when I canceled my monthly payment two weeks later.
I'll save Baby Orangutans on my own, without Alejandro's help.

I like those homeless guys; never homeless women because they're always really obnoxious.
Homeless guys are usually really sweet, and kind of elderly and my natural womanly, nurturing instincts come fighting and I feel really horribly for these guys.

I've met two homeless guys that I really felt sorry for. But the first guy, he really did something to me, that made me think twice about homeless guys.
I met this guy, about a year ago in the City, and he was getting shouted down by some arsehole in a five-hundred-dollar, Italian-imported suit, with a quiff bigger than Amy Winehouse's beehive.
I came up to this ignorant prick, asked him where the fuck had he learned his manners. I gave the homeless guy the ten-dollar note in my wallet and offered him a couple of smokes. Suit-guy looked shocked and walked away with his proverbial fox-tail between his legs and Homeless Guy grinned a big, gummy grin and told me that it wasn't everyday that someone stopped, gave him ten-dollars and talked about the weather with him.
After I left, I realised I'd missed my train, because I'd stopped to help this guy out, have a chat, be a human being for a little while, and had another hour to kill.
So I walked back and went to smile at Homeless guy, when he pulled me up and said:
"After you left, three people stopped and talked to me. You did something!"

People had seen me stop, give a little bit to help out, strike up a conversation from thin air about how Melbourne weather could give you all four-seasons in one day and how uncomfortable the suburban train seats were - and those people followed my lead.

It really, honestly, left me utterly speechless.

Turns out the human race just needs to get real, stop sniffing their arseholes on a regular basis and living life by the title that is given on their degree.

There's hope for us yet.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Blog-ginity and Infinite X's and Oh's.

I would like you all to welcome my esteemed and scrumptious friend, Miss Page, to the world of blogging and its tremendousness.
She's cute, she's tremendously smart and a former Literature kid (like myself, although she now has to suffer a year longer than I did, through the swamps of knowledge and most often mundane pieces of literature) and we, both, are here to emancipate you from the shackles of monotonous bullshit.

And now, a large round of applause, for the fabulous Miss Page!


Why hello there, dear reader. My, what a smashing blouse you’re wearing.

So, for my first foray into the delicious world of blogging, I had a multitude of topics to choose from: My recent traumatic breakup, my love for vodka, the unending tedium that is VCE, my theories on why people are shit, and suggestions on how they can become more awesome- you know, the usual fare.

But I thought I’d like to lose my blog-ginity in a truly epic fashion, by tackling one of society’s big issues, you know? Something that really affects us all.

People who post massively uninteresting status updates on Facebook.

Honestly people, do you think people actually care when you post something to the effect of "I'm about to eat dinner :D Yum!"

(Please notice I included correct spelling and punctuation here, something the majority of Facebook users don't seem to have heard of).

It is truly a blight on society. I get on Facebook to hear the interesting and hilarious details of my friends' lives. I don't care that you're having "chili con carne for tea mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm".

In fact, nobody does.

So why don't you just go gorge yourself on your precious chili con carne and leave me the hell alone.


Dear people who feel the need to tlk lyk dis nd say kwl sh!t- USE PROPER ENGLISH. PLEASE.

It physically pains me to read your status updates. Especially when you complain about how shit school is. It makes me wonder why you're actually attending school, since you're having such a shit time because elementary level spelling and mathematics is SOOOOOO difficult.

Personally, I think you should drop out- nobody's going to have any respect for you anyway, so you may as well save the teachers some of the hassle and let them teach people who have a future outside flipping burgers and driving a garbage truck (for the really talented among you).

(Amy in here, from T&B Headquarters: Did you know garbage trucks have dual-control steering mechanisms? It sometimes takes two to drive a garbage truck, you know. Difficulty level: Extreme.)

To all those who update their status to read "I'm bored" or "Facebook is boring," my advice to you is to get off your ass, get off Facebook and go DO SOMETHING! There's a whole wide world out there- go sit in front of the TV!

Look at a wall!

Go to sleep!

Do something other than telling me how boring Facebook is.

I don't care.

You're boring me. It's not my fault you're bored, why drag me down with you?

This directly links me to my next point: attention seeking statuses.

If you need to get gratification from the sympathy people give you from a status comment, you have a serious problem. I'd like to point out that these statuses take many forms, like the slutty, "Hot sex" status, which leads people to ask when and where you experienced such temperate lovemaking. So, you can either tell them all about your steamy encounter (probably either experienced in a closet or bathroom and lasting about 6 minutes, if not totally imaginary) in graphic detail, or you can coyly refuse to answer their questions, leading them to demand answers, thus gratifying your need to feel interesting.

You sick attention whore.

Then you have your emo, "I'm so depressed/ world is falling apart/ please don't leave me/ my soul is a black abyss" type, when everyone who truly cares about you (or simply has nothing better to do and wants you to shut the fuck up) will try to cheer you up. Then!

You have your "rate me from 1-10/ I will be TOTALLY honest for 1 hour, ask me anything/ which word best describes me/ like this status if you want to hug me" which, if acknowledged, lull the poster into the delusion that they are desirable and not just a little bit sad. I purposely try to ignore these statusus, as should you, because nobody loves an attention whore.

Another thing that grinds my gears is those individuals who feel the need to profess their love for their significant other at the end of every status update. If it’s their birthday/your birthday/your anniversary/they've done something really sweet, this is understandable. But not when you go, for example, "miss u so much babe, i love you you're my world <3>!"

Then it's just ridiculous and you look needy and insane.

You make me super uncomfortable.

And if I was your boyfriend, I would be extremely uncomfortable, and look for somebody who wasn't so desperately clingy. Yes, it is cute to exchange sweet nothings with your partner. No, nobody else wants to experience it in any way.

That's like making out vigorously on a register belt at a supermarket. And having an announcement put over that there are two people making out vigorously on a register belt.

Now, I like to think I'm a pretty tolerant person...

No, scratch that. I hate everyone for something. I'm sure a lot of people think that the message in this rant does not apply to them. It really, really does. I urge everyone who has taken the time to read this to make their status updates as interesting as possible, with correct grammar, spelling and punctuation. And no mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey, bouncy-bouncy yum-yum time messages.

Save it for the bedroom, sweetie.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I'm bored, but dinner's ready, chili con carne, yummmmm, nd i h8 skwl cuz teh tchrz iz gay nd sh!t nd cnt w8 2 c my boi 2nite, luv u sfm babe foreva, happy 2-day anniversary! <3>

You see what I did there? That was sarcasm. If I see a status like that on your facebook page, I will remove you from my friends list.

Okay. That's a lie. But only because I don't know how to delete a person from my friends list.

But if I ever find out how, so help me God... *shakes fist*

That will be all.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

- Miss Page.

(Oh, it was, Miss Page, it was.

You may all remove hands from pants...